I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
