I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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