Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
