Can i not drive my cunt home
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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