He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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