I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
