thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
