I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
