The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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