Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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