I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
