I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My breasts were aching with rage.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
