I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize