funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
