I am puke
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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