I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
