god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
