meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
