the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
