I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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