My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
