I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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