Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
