im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize