It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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