Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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