The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
