I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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