I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
