I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
