Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
