READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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