Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
