Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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