she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
