We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
