So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
