Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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