omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
