I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
