how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
