How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
