Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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