I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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