I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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