My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
