Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
