last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
