Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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