every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
operation harelip BJ is a go
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
