My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
