At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
