Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
