I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
