If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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