I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i dont even know how to be here
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
