I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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