I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
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