hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
